There and Back Again

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”
Dalai Lama

Sometimes I feel like I need that quote tattooed in reverse on my forehead so I’m reminded every time I see my reflection.

So the sobriety break lasted a few days, and then pay day came. Pay day is always a major trigger for my husband because he has access to money. There have been times when he’s given me his debit card because he knows it’s a trigger and wants to avoid the temptation, but not so this pay day.

Now, some of you might say, “Don’t give him money.” Yeah, made that mistake. I’ve tried just about everything, and I’ve learned that it’s not my responsibility. I’ve worked very hard to let go of trying to control what is out of my control. It has to be his choice to ask for help.

It’s interesting how well you learn to read your alcoholic. It’s one of those survival skills you gain. I knew when he picked me up from work on pay day that he had already decided to drink. He was manic, way too excited about things and running a hundred miles an hour…his brain was already in pre intoxication mode.

And this weekend has turned into the usual routine. Sober during the day, drinking a fifth in the evening and throughout the night, sleeping on the couch. The amount of alcohol consumed will fluctuate, but the overall cycle stays the same.

This morning he’s still drunk. And I’m forced to walk a fine line, as he’s in one of his “I love you, you’re so beautiful” moods. The drunk guy at the party that keeps hitting on you can sometimes be amusing, sometimes annoying (or so I gather, I don’t go to parties or get hit on), but when it’s your alcoholic husband and he’s emotionally unstable, you need to treat it very carefully.

He can so easily go from “happy drunk guy” to “angry, you hate me, I don’t deserve to live” drunk guy. That drunk guy will walk out the door, drown his self-hatred in more alcohol, and sleep under a bridge.

But, thankfully, I was able to walk that line and he’s back asleep on the couch. So hopefully he’ll sleep for another couple hours and then go have his weekly coffee with a friend, and be happy and sober this afternoon. ::fingers crossed::